Civil Commotion

The most depressing thing about the Pious, I suppose, is their utter unwillingness and inability to learn anything.

We still hear, for instance, that there can be no morality without a Big Lawgiver. Oh? Plato dissected and buried that claim more than 2400-years ago, with the dialogue Euthyphro.

Now, the exact same pack of ignoramuses is reprising the repeatedly failed argument of southern segregationists back in the 60s: “My sincerely held religious belief requires that I treat blacks/gays/pubescent-girls like sewage.” Let’s not kid ourselves, either: If the Supremes accept the argument of Masterpiece Cakeshop, that argument will be revived to justify forbidding blacks to sit in Mama’s Home Cooking, to enter through the front door of the Five-and-Dime, to sit in the common area of the bus station; after all, it is logically identical.

So, too, “No Jews Allowed”, “No Muslims Allowed”, “No Mormons Allowed”, “No Scientologists Allowed”, “No Buddhists Allowed”, “Everybody But Southern Baptists Forbidden Here”.

Baptists can still be Baptists in the age of same-sex marriage. They can make fools of themselves insisting that the 1611 King James Bible is inerrant; they can dress-up for church on Sunday morning, and they can leave a Jack Chick tract for the waitress — The best tip you’ll ever get!! — afterward; they can poison their children’s minds against reason and science; they can teach them that nigras bear the mark of Cain; they can dump a gay son on the street; they can complain that sending a daughter to college to indulge her interest in astrophysics is wasteful — how would that help her raise children?; they can keep same-sex and interracial couples out of their church and their homes.

But operating Masterpiece Cakeshop is in no sense a religious activity; it is a for-profit business which operates in the public space at public sufferance. They should not be allowed to discriminate against gays any more than Mama’s Home Cooking can discriminate against blacks.

I’ve done the math and, statistically, it’s all but a slam-bang certainty that y’all’s Christmas shopping list includes one or more of the Deplorable One-Third who still haven’t figured-out that Donald Trump is irremediably corrupt, mentally unstable, and almost certainly a traitor.

We’ll call that person Cousin Beauregard, because nobody is named Beauregard nowadays. Maybe it’s a parent, a sibling, a cousin, or that annoying aunt who was the model for Gilda Radner’s Church Lady; no matter, we’re calling that person Cousin Beauregard.

Cousin Beauregard is an idiot, proud of his Godliness and thrilled that The Donald is dishing-out some serious what-for to all those squeamish smarty-pants’ who fuss about the niceties of law, nuclear warfare, and the chastity of 14-year-old girls. “High danged time,” says Cousin Beauregard.

What to do? Civil Commotion is ready with gift recommendations, all unique and certain to appeal to Cousin Beauregard while sending a signal to your sentient friends and relations that he doesn’t fool you a bit; you know for a fact that he is an idiot.

Better yet, they cost only slightly more¹ than the fast-food that you and your co-shopper are going to eat while trundling the mall.

• The Trump Prophecies, $15.94

  In November of 2016, the world witnessed the impossible. Nearly every household in America was tuned in to the election feeds, and every update pointed to a loss for the Republican Party. But when the map of the states flipped red in the final hour, there were a select few who weren’t surprised. They had always known Trump was going to win. He was chosen for such a time as this. The prophecy had said so.

• Bible Prophecy & Trump, $6.98

  The world is uneasy with the United States’ election of Donald Trump as its forty-fifth president. One could not help but marvel at his ascendency to the presidency after publicly breaking every norm and social mores that polite society holds dear. The name “Donald” means world ruler, and no he is not the antichrist, but he is a man of destiny.

  [ … ]

  Daniel writes that his nation will become “very great” after this king of the west destroys this second king being Iran’s leader (Daniel 8:8). Now, God has positioned this man named Donald, meaning “world ruler” Trump as “the king of the west” in these end times and has established him with a goat’s stubbornness that has served him well in ascending to the office of president of the United States under the motto “Make America Great Again”.

• God and Donald Trump, $13.07

  With pundits asking, “How did he win?” this book explores whether there was a supernatural element involved. Christian leaders prophesied before the election that God had raised up Donald Trump to lead the nation through a time of crisis. But could this billionaire reality-TV star actually convince the voters he was for real? If so, what is God doing now not only in Donald’s Trump’s life, but also in the nation?

• President Trump And The New World Order: The Ramtha Trump Prophecy, $12.95

  Having been a businessman all his life, making billions in the process, as president he now has to choose to either join the club (the “club” that hides in the shadows at the top of the pyramid, or is embedded as the “Deep State” within government and its departments and agencies) or fulfill his campaign promises and “Make America Great Again”…in more ways than one.

  In this book, retired veteran investigative journalist Michael Knight brings you a unique perspective on the past, the present, and the future.

• Donald Trump, God, and Christian Prophecy, $7.99 (Kindle only)

  Millions of evangelical Christians supported Trump and helped lead him to victory on November 8, in the stunning upset of Hillary Clinton. One amazing factor in right-wing endorsement of Trump is the belief by millions of Pentecostal and charismatic Christians that God told many of his prophets that Trump was and is the divine choice for president.

  Kim Clement, one of the most famous prophets, claims that he announced Trump’s presidency as early as 2007. Mark Taylor, firefighter turned prophet, has become famous for his 2011 announcement that Trump was to be Commander in Chief.

Cousin Beauregard hasn’t read a book since he left the Dick-and-Jane readers behind, so your cheap gift has the advantage that it will be totally useless to him while offering the certainty that he will make a fool of himself telling everybody at his job that Trump is in the Bible and Our Invisible Friend has raised him up to battle the Forces of Darkness.

It’s a twofer; you can’t lose.

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¹   Just so’s you know, I will NOT earn a commission for your purchase of any of these books; I offer these recommendations with a clean heart.

Roy Moore took inspiration from disgraced S.A. Pastor

The only really interesting question now is whether the Cabinet will remove him on the grounds that he is plain mentally unstable, or will it be left up to the Congress to remove him. Either way, Trump is toast.