The motion to admit theologians<\/b><\/i><\/p>\n
By longstanding tradition, the monthly meeting of the Philosophers Club rotated among the afterlifes, with the sole exception that one of the fall meetings was always held on the south balcony of Valhalla. Humankind had invented and staffed and populated so many afterlifes that decades separated meetings in the same place, and nobody minded at all. But every fall \u2013 Valhalla. The colors across Europe were always splendid, and everyone thrilled to the sight of the great flocks of birds wheeling and dipping southward.<\/p>\n
Bertrand Russell was standing at the marble railing, idly packing his pipe and enjoying the view, when Voltaire approached him. \u201cI suppose you know,\u201d he said after an exchange of pleasantries, \u201cthat Blaise intends to demand action on his motion to admit theologians.\u201d<\/p>\n
Russell rolled his eyes. \u201cI do. The vote will be closer than it ought to be, but my count has him losing.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe thinks the events in Paris makes it even more urgent.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBlaise is a fool. It makes it more urgent that theologians disappear right off the earth once for all. They have no standard for truth, they have no way of testing a claim. They assume a god, they assume his characteristics, they presuppose that the Bible is true when everybody with a lick of brains knows about two-thirds of it is nonsense, then \u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
Voltaire held up his hands: Stop. \u201cYou don\u2019t need to convince me. Wasn\u2019t I saying that more than 200-years ago?\u201d He continued. \u201cBut we are to hear an appeal for the motion from a special guest — Abraham.\u201d<\/p>\n
Russell\u2019s hands stopped and he stared at Voltaire, appalled. \u201cAbraham?\u201d, he croaked. \u201cThe<\/i> Abraham? The one who was willing to gut his son?\u201d<\/p>\n
Voltaire nodded.<\/p>\n
Russell raged on. \u201cThe Abraham who founded three religions that can\u2019t stop killing each other? The madman-son-of-a-bitch Abraham?\u201d<\/p>\n
Voltaire glumly nodded again. \u201cThat\u2019s the guy. And I\u2019m picking-up whispers that at least some people are thinking of switching their votes. A gesture of goodwill, and all that.\u201d<\/p>\n
Russell gasped, then straightened-up. \u201cHis membership privileges entitle Blaise to bring a guest, but nobody, not even a regular member, has a pro forma<\/i> right to address the meeting. He must be recognized by the chair.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHannah,\u201d Voltaire said, \u201cintends to recognize him — if the motion comes to the floor.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo, someday,\u201d Russell said slowly, \u201cI could be sitting next to that smarmy little Moolah bastard, trying to eat lunch and listening to him instruct me about the importance of my worldview?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMoolah?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSomething like that. He\u2019s big in the American south. Insufferable little bug.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI guess you could,\u201d Voltaire said. \u201cMe, too, I suppose,\u201d he added sadly.<\/p>\n
The two men stared out toward Europe, indifferent now to the brilliant, smoldering colors, their eyes locked on the pall over Paris. \u201cJohn Dewey,\u201d Voltaire began, \u201cchairs the Membership Committee this year. He says he can table the motion if Friedrich will go along.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFriedrich,\u201d Russell snorted, \u201cwould probably prefer to decide the matter with swords.\u201d<\/p>\n
Voltaire grinned.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo,\u201d Russell said. \u201cShould I go talk to him?\u201d<\/p>\n
Voltaire\u2019s eyes widened in surprise. \u201cNo,\u201d he said firmly. \u201cYour prestige doesn\u2019t reach that far. I doubt that he will ever forgive you for the trashing you gave him in your History<\/i>. Besides,\u201d he added, \u201cHannah says Friedrich is firm against the motion, but thinks she can persuade him in favor of just tabling it once he understands the politics of it. She\u2019s going to prime him with an explanation, then put him at the table with Blaise and Abraham so he\u2019s good and seething when John calls for objections to voting the motion.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt won\u2019t be disposed of once for all, though. We\u2019ll have to consider it sometime in the future.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cProbably,\u201d Voltaire agreed, \u201cthe stupid are like the poor — they will always be with us. Bertrand,\u201d he added gently. \u201cDon\u2019t make a scene. Nobody minds a bit that we\u2019ve been eternally banned from Paradise ever since you pinched that waitress; awful food anyway. But it would be very bad for you if we couldn\u2019t return here, to the eternal home of the warriors. What are we philosophers, if not warriors? Soldiers fight a battle; we fight for minds and claim millennia. Look at what Plato achieved, even if he was dead wrong and died a slave! That Moolah guy who so irritates you is right about the importance of \u2013 What was it? Worldview? \u2013 even if his worldview is the worldview of a naive idiot child. I really just came over to let you know what\u2019s afoot, and to ask you not to make difficulties. It will work out fine.\u201d<\/p>\n
Russell looked at his old friend, the warrior who had survived prison, exile, countless arrests and death threats — and prevailed to be buried at the Panth\u00e9on. \u201cFine,\u201d he sighed. \u201cBut don\u2019t expect me to shake our guest’s hand. That won\u2019t happen.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course not,\u201d Voltaire said. \u201cOf course not. What decent man would?\u201d<\/p>\n
And matters played out exactly as Voltaire and Arendt had plotted, amid polite conversation and tinkling glasses. Friedrich got a bit loud at one point, then abruptly turned to face the podium as Martin Heidegger began his much-anticipated talk about phenomenology. The motion was tabled and membership was not expanded to admit theologians, but neither were they decisively rejected. Noting how few people stopped to shake Abraham’s hand, all of them second-tier men, Russell believed the motion would have failed. Everyone agreed that the fall colors were the best ever; even Plato was heard to whisper something about “the form” as he gazed across the balcony at the brilliant foliage. Nobody mentioned the unpleasantness in Paris.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
The motion to admit theologians By longstanding tradition, the monthly meeting of the Philosophers Club rotated among the afterlifes, with the sole exception that one of the fall meetings was always held on the south balcony of Valhalla. Humankind had … Continue reading